SYME
had vanished. A morning came, and he was missing from work: a few
thoughtless people commented on his absence. On the next day
nobody mentioned him. On the third day Winston went into the
vestibule of the Records Department to look at the notice-board.
One of the notices carried a printed list of the members of the
Chess Committee, of whom Syme had been one. It looked almost
exactly as it had looked before -- nothing had been crossed out
-- but it was one name shorter. It was enough. Syme had ceased to
exist: he had never existed. The weather was baking hot. In the
labyrinthine Ministry the windowless, air-conditioned rooms kept
their normal temperature, but outside the pavements scorched
one's feet and the stench of the Tubes at the rush hours was a
horror. The preparations for Hate Week were in full swing, and
the staffs of all the Ministries were working overtime.
Processions, meetings, military parades, lectures, waxworks,
displays, film shows, telescreen programmes all had to be
organized; stands had to be erected, effigies built, slogans
coined, songs written, rumours circulated, photographs faked.
Julia's unit in the Fiction Department had been taken off the
production of novels and was rushing out a series of atrocity
pamphlets. Winston, in addition to his regular work, spent long
periods every day in going through back files of The Times
and altering and embellishing news items which were to be quoted
in speeches. Late at night, when crowds of rowdy proles roamed
the streets, the town had a curiously febrile air. The rocket
bombs crashed oftener than ever, and sometimes in the far
distance there were enormous explosions which no one could
explain and about which there were wild rumours. The new tune
which was to be the theme-song of Hate Week (the Hate Song, it
was called) had already been composed and was being endlessly
plugged on the telescreens. It had a savage, barking rhythm which
could not exactly be called music, but resembled the beating of a
drum. Roared out by hundreds of voices to the tramp of marching
feet, it was terrifying. The proles had taken a fancy to it, and
in the midnight streets it competed with the still- popular 'It
was only a hopeless fancy'. The Parsons children played it at all
hours of the night and day, unbearably, on a comb and a piece of
toilet paper. Winston's evenings were fuller than ever. Squads of
volunteers, organized by Parsons, were preparing the street for
Hate Week, stitching banners, painting posters, erecting
flagstaffs on the roofs, and perilously slinging wires across the
street for the reception of streamers. Parsons boasted that
Victory Mansions alone would display four hundred metres of
bunting. He was in his native element and as happy as a lark. The
heat and the manual work had even given him a pretext for
reverting to shorts and an open shirt in the evenings. He was
everywhere at once, pushing, pulling, sawing, hammering,
improvising, jollying everyone along with comradely exhortations
and giving out from every fold of his body what seemed an
inexhaustible supply of acrid-smelling sweat. A new poster had
suddenly appeared all over London. It had no caption, and
represented simply the monstrous figure of a Eurasian soldier,
three or four metres high, striding forward with expressionless
Mongolian face and enormous boots, a submachine gun pointed from
his hip. From whatever angle you looked at the poster, the muzzle
of the gun, magnified by the foreshortening, seemed to be pointed
straight at you. The thing had been plastered on every blank
space on every wall, even outnumbering the portraits of Big
Brother. The proles, normally apathetic about the war, were being
lashed into one of their periodical frenzies of patriotism. As
though to harmonize with the general mood, the rocket bombs had
been killing larger numbers of people than usual. One fell on a
crowded film theatre in Stepney, burying several hundred victims
among the ruins. The whole population of the neighbourhood turned
out for a long, trailing funeral which went on for hours and was
in effect an indignation meeting. Another bomb fell on a piece of
waste ground which was used as a playground and several dozen
children were blown to pieces. There were further angry
demonstrations, Goldstein was burned in effigy, hundreds of
copies of the poster of the Eurasian soldier were torn down and
added to the flames, and a number of shops were looted in the
turmoil; then a rumour flew round that spies were directing the
rocket bombs by means of wireless waves, and an old couple who
were suspected of being of foreign extraction had their house set
on fire and perished of suffocation. In the room over Mr
Charrington's shop, when they could get there, Julia and Winston
lay side by side on a stripped bed under the open window, naked
for the sake of coolness. The rat had never come back, but the
bugs had multiplied hideously in the heat. It did not seem to
matter. Dirty or clean, the room was paradise. As soon as they
arrived they would sprinkle everything with pepper bought on the
black market, tear off their clothes, and make love with sweating
bodies, then fall asleep and wake to find that the bugs had
rallied and were massing for the counter-attack. Four, five, six
-- seven times they met during the month of June. Winston had
dropped his habit of drinking gin at all hours. He seemed to have
lost the need for it. He had grown fatter, his varicose ulcer had
subsided, leaving only a brown stain on the skin above his ankle,
his fits of coughing in the early morning had stopped. The
process of life had ceased to be intolerable, he had no longer
any impulse to make faces at the telescreen or shout curses at
the top of his voice. Now that they had a secure hiding- place,
almost a home, it did not even seem a hardship that they could
only meet infrequently and for a couple of hours at a time. What
mattered was that the room over the junk- shop should exist. To
know that it was there, inviolate, was almost the same as being
in it. The room was a world, a pocket of the past where extinct
animals could walk. Mr Charrington, thought Winston, was another
extinct animal. He usually stopped to talk with Mr Charrington
for a few minutes on his way upstairs. The old man seemed seldom
or never to go out of doors, and on the other hand to have almost
no customers. He led a ghostlike existence between the tiny, dark
shop, and an even tinier back kitchen where he prepared his meals
and which contained, among other things, an unbelievably ancient
gramophone with an enormous horn. He seemed glad of the
opportunity to talk. Wandering about among his worthless stock,
with his long nose and thick spectacles and his bowed shoulders
in the velvet jacket, he had always vaguely the air of being a
collector rather than a tradesman. With a sort of faded
enthusiasm he would finger this scrap of rubbish or that -- a
china bottle-stopper, the painted lid of a broken snuffbox, a
pinchbeck locket containing a strand of some long-dead baby's
hair -- never asking that Winston should buy it, merely that he
should admire it. To talk to him was like listening to the
tinkling of a worn-out musical-box. He had dragged out from the
corners of his memory some more fragments of forgotten rhymes.
There was one about four and twenty blackbirds, and another about
a cow with a crumpled horn, and another about the death of poor
Cock Robin. 'It just occurred to me you might be interested,' he
would say with a deprecating little laugh whenever he produced a
new fragment. But he could never recall more than a few lines of
any one rhyme. Both of them knew-in a way, it was never out of
their minds that what was now happening could not last long.
There were times when the fact of impending death seemed as
palpable as the bed they lay on, and they would cling together
with a sort of despairing sensuality, like a damned soul grasping
at his last morsel of pleasure when the clock is within five
minutes of striking. But there were also times when they had the
illusion not only of safety but of permanence. So long as they
were actually in this room, they both felt, no harm could come to
them. Getting there was difficult and dangerous, but the room
itself was sanctuary. It was as when Winston had gazed into the
heart of the paperweight, with the feeling that it would be
possible to get inside that glassy world, and that once inside it
time could be arrested. Often they gave themselves up to
daydreams of escape. Their luck would hold indefinitely, and they
would carry on their intrigue, just like this, for the remainder
of their natural lives. Or Katharine would die, and by subtle
manoeuvrings Winston and Julia would succeed in getting married.
Or they would commit suicide together. Or they would disappear,
alter themselves out of recognition, learn to speak with
proletarian accents, get jobs in a factory and live out their
lives undetected in a back-street. It was all nonsense, as they
both knew. In reality there was no escape. Even the one plan that
was practicable, suicide, they had no intention of carrying out.
To hang on from day to day and from week to week, spinning out a
present that had no future, seemed an unconquerable instinct,
just as one's lungs will always draw the next breath so long as
there is air available. Sometimes, too, they talked of engaging
in active rebellion against the Party, but with no notion of how
to take the first step. Even if the fabulous Brotherhood was a
reality, there still remained the difficulty of finding one's way
into it. He told her of the strange intimacy that existed, or
seemed to exist, between himself and O'Brien, and of the impulse
he sometimes felt, simply to walk into O'Brien's presence,
announce that he was the enemy of the Party, and demand his help.
Curiously enough, this did not strike her as an impossibly rash
thing to do. She was used to judging people by their faces, and
it seemed natural to her that Winston should believe O'Brien to
be trustworthy on the strength of a single flash of the eyes.
Moreover she took it for granted that everyone, or nearly
everyone, secretly hated the Party and would break the rules if
he thought it safe to do so. But she refused to believe that
widespread, organized opposition existed or could exist. The
tales about Goldstein and his underground army, she said, were
simply a lot of rubbish which the Party had invented for its own
purposes and which you had to pretend to believe in. Times beyond
number, at Party rallies and spontaneous demonstrations, she had
shouted at the top of her voice for the execution of people whose
names she had never heard and in whose supposed crimes she had
not the faintest belief. When public trials were happening she
had taken her place in the detachments from the Youth League who
surrounded the courts from morning to night, chanting at
intervals 'Death to the traitors!' During the Two Minutes Hate
she always excelled all others in shouting insults at Goldstein.
Yet she had only the dimmest idea of who Goldstein was and what
doctrines he was supposed to represent. She had grown up since
the Revolution and was too young to remember the ideological
battles of the fifties and sixties. Such a thing as an
independent political movement was outside her imagination: and
in any case the Party was invincible. It would always exist, and
it would always be the same. You could only rebel against it by
secret disobedience or, at most, by isolated acts of violence
such as killing somebody or blowing something up. In some ways
she was far more acute than Winston, and far less susceptible to
Party propaganda. Once when he happened in some connexion to
mention the war against Eurasia, she startled him by saying
casually that in her opinion the war was not happening. The
rocket bombs which fell daily on London were probably fired by
the Government of Oceania itself, 'just to keep people
frightened'. This was an idea that had literally never occurred
to him. She also stirred a sort of envy in him by telling him
that during the Two Minutes Hate her great difficulty was to
avoid bursting out laughing. But she only questioned the
teachings of the Party when they in some way touched upon her own
life. Often she was ready to accept the official mythology,
simply because the difference between truth and falsehood did not
seem important to her. She believed, for instance, having learnt
it at school, that the Party had invented aeroplanes. (In his own
schooldays, Winston remembered, in the late fifties, it was only
the helicopter that the Party claimed to have invented; a dozen
years later, when Julia was at school, it was already claiming
the aeroplane; one generation more, and it would be claiming the
steam engine.) And when he told her that aeroplanes had been in
existence before he was born and long before the Revolution, the
fact struck her as totally uninteresting. After all, what did it
matter who had invented aeroplanes? It was rather more of a shock
to him when he discovered from some chance remark that she did
not remember that Oceania, four years ago, had been at war with
Eastasia and at peace with Eurasia. It was true that she regarded
the whole war as a sham: but apparently she had not even noticed
that the name of the enemy had changed. 'I thought we'd always
been at war with Eurasia,' she said vaguely. It frightened him a
little. The invention of aeroplanes dated from long before her
birth, but the switchover in the war had happened only four years
ago, well after she was grown up. He argued with her about it for
perhaps a quarter of an hour. In the end he succeeded in forcing
her memory back until she did dimly recall that at one time
Eastasia and not Eurasia had been the enemy. But the issue still
struck her as unimportant. 'Who cares?' she said impatiently.
'It's always one bloody war after another, and one knows the news
is all lies anyway. Sometimes he talked to her of the Records
Department and the impudent forgeries that he committed there.
Such things did not appear to horrify her. She did not feel the
abyss opening beneath her feet at the thought of lies becoming
truths. He told her the story of Jones, Aaronson, and Rutherford
and the momentous slip of paper which he had once held between
his fingers. It did not make much impression on her. At first,
indeed, she failed to grasp the point of the story. 'Were they
friends of yours?' she said. 'No, I never knew them. They were
Inner Party members. Besides, they were far older men than I was.
They belonged to the old days, before the Revolution. I barely
knew them by sight.' 'Then what was there to worry about? People
are being killed off all the time, aren't they?' He tried to make
her understand. 'This was an exceptional case. It wasn't just a
question of somebody being killed. Do you realize that the past,
starting from yesterday, has been actually abolished? If it
survives anywhere, it's in a few solid objects with no words
attached to them, like that lump of glass there. Already we know
almost literally nothing about the Revolution and the years
before the Revolution. Every record has been destroyed or
falsified, every book has been rewritten, every picture has been
repainted, every statue and street and building has been renamed,
every date has been altered. And that process is continuing day
by day and minute by minute. History has stopped. Nothing exists
except an endless present in which the Party is always right. I know,
of course, that the past is falsified, but it would never be
possible for me to prove it, even when I did the falsification
myself. After the thing is done, no evidence ever remains. The
only evidence is inside my own mind, and I don't know with any
certainty that any other human being shares my memories. Just in
that one instance, in my whole life, I did possess actual
concrete evidence after the event -- years after it.' 'And
what good was that?' 'It was no good, because I threw it away a
few minutes later. But if the same thing happened today, I should
keep it.' 'Well, I wouldn't!' said Julia. 'I'm quite ready to
take risks, but only for something worth while, not for bits of
old newspaper. What could you have done with it even if you had
kept it?' 'Not much, perhaps. But it was evidence. It might have
planted a few doubts here and there, supposing that I'd dared to
show it to anybody. I don't imagine that we can alter anything in
our own lifetime. But one can imagine little knots of resistance
springing up here and there -- small groups of people banding
themselves together, and gradually growing, and even leaving a
few records behind, so that the next generations can carry on
where we leave off.' 'I'm not interested in the next generation,
dear. I'm interested in us. 'You're only a rebel from the
waist downwards,' he told her. She thought this brilliantly witty
and flung her arms round him in delight. In the ramifications of
party doctrine she had not the faintest interest. Whenever he
began to talk of the principles of Ingsoc, doublethink, the
mutability of the past, and the denial of objective reality, and
to use Newspeak words, she became bored and confused and said
that she never paid any attention to that kind of thing. One knew
that it was all rubbish, so why let oneself be worried by it? She
knew when to cheer and when to boo, and that was all one needed.
If he persisted in talking of such subjects, she had a
disconcerting habit of falling asleep. She was one of those
people who can go to sleep at any hour and in any position.
Talking to her, he realized how easy it was to present an
appearance of orthodoxy while having no grasp whatever of what
orthodoxy meant. In a way, the world-view of the Party imposed
itself most successfully on people incapable of understanding it.
They could be made to accept the most flagrant violations of
reality, because they never fully grasped the enormity of what
was demanded of them, and were not sufficiently interested in
public events to notice what was happening. By lack of
understanding they remained sane. They simply swallowed
everything, and what they swallowed did them no harm, because it
left no residue behind, just as a grain of corn will pass
undigested through the body of a bird.
x x x
- IT HAD
happened at last. The expected message had come. All his
life, it seemed to him, he had been waiting for this to
happen.
- He was walking down the long corridor at the Ministry and
he was almost at the spot where Julia had slipped the
note into his hand when he became aware that someone
larger than himself was walking just behind him. The
person, whoever it was, gave a small cough, evidently as
a prelude to speaking. Winston stopped abruptly and
turned. It was O'Brien.
- At last they were face to face, and it seemed that his
only impulse was to run away. His heart bounded
violently. He would have been incapable of speaking.
O'Brien, however, had continued forward in the same
movement, laying a friendly hand for a moment on
Winston's arm, so that the two of them were walking side
by side. He began speaking with the peculiar grave
courtesy that differentiated him from the majority of
Inner Party members.
- 'I had been hoping for an opportunity of talking to you,'
he said. 'I was reading one of your Newspeak articles in The
Times the other day. You take a scholarly interest in
Newspeak, I believe?'
- Winston had recovered part of his self-possession.
'Hardly scholarly,' he said. 'I'm only an amateur. It's
not my subject. I have never had anything to do with the
actual construction of the language.'
- 'But you write it very elegantly,' said O'Brien. 'That is
not only my own opinion. I was talking recently to a
friend of yours who is certainly an expert. His name has
slipped my memory for the moment.'
- Again Winston's heart stirred painfully. It was
inconceivable that this was anything other than a
reference to Syme. But Syme was not only dead, he was
abolished, an unperson. Any identifiable reference
to him would have been mortally dangerous. O'Brien's
remark must obviously have been intended as a signal, a
codeword. By sharing a small act of thoughtcrime he had
turned the two of them into accomplices. They had
continued to stroll slowly down the corridor, but now
O'Brien halted. With the curious, disarming friendliness
that he always managed to put in to the gesture he
resettled his spectacles on his nose. Then he went on:
- 'What I had really intended to say was that in your
article I noticed you had used two words which have
become obsolete. But they have only become so very
recently. Have you seen the tenth edition of the Newspeak
Dictionary?'
- 'No,' said Winston. 'I didn't think it had been issued
yet. We are still using the ninth in the Records
Department.'
- 'The tenth edition is not due to appear for some months,
I believe. But a few advance copies have been circulated.
I have one myself. It might interest you to look at it,
perhaps?'
- 'Very much so,' said Winston, immediately seeing where
this tended.
- 'Some of the new developments are most ingenious. The
reduction in the number of verbs -- that is the point
that will appeal to you, I think. Let me see, shall I
send a messenger to you with the dictionary? But I am
afraid I invariably forget anything of that kind. Perhaps
you could pick it up at my flat at some time that suited
you? Wait. Let me give you my address.'
- They were standing in front of a telescreen. Somewhat
absentmindedly O'Brien felt two of his pockets and then
produced a small leather-covered notebook and a gold ink-
pencil. Immediately beneath the telescreen, in such a
position that anyone who was watching at the other end of
the instrument could read what he was writing, he
scribbled an address, tore out the page and handed it to
Winston.
- 'I am usually at home in the evenings,' he said. 'If not,
my servant will give you the dictionary.'
- He was gone, leaving Winston holding the scrap of paper,
which this time there was no need to conceal.
Nevertheless he carefully memorized what was written on
it, and some hours later dropped it into the memory hole
along with a mass of other papers.
- They had been talking to one another for a couple of
minutes at the most. There was only one meaning that the
episode could possibly have. It had been contrived as a
way of letting Winston know O'Brien's address. This was
necessary, because except by direct enquiry it was never
possible to discover where anyone lived. There were no
directories of any kind. 'If you ever want to see me,
this is where I can be found,' was what O'Brien had been
saying to him. Perhaps there would even be a message
concealed somewhere in the dictionary. But at any rate,
one thing was certain. The conspiracy that he had dreamed
of did exist, and he had reached the outer edges of it.
- He knew that sooner or later he would obey O'Brien's
summons. Perhaps tomorrow, perhaps after a long delay --
he was not certain. What was happening was only the
working-out of a process that had started years ago. The
first step had been a secret, involuntary thought, the
second had been the opening of the diary. He had moved
from thoughts to words, and now from words to actions.
The last step was something that would happen in the
Ministry of Love. He had accepted it. The end was
contained in the beginning. But it was frightening: or,
more exactly, it was like a foretaste of death, like
being a little less alive. Even whiIe he was speaking to
O'Brien, when the meaning of the words had sunk in, a
chilly shuddering feeling had taken possession of his
body. He had the sensation of stepping into the dampness
of a grave, and it was not much better because he had
always known that the grave was there and waiting for
him.
x x x
- WINSTON had
woken up with his eyes full of tears. Julia rolled
sleepily against him, murmuring something that might have
been 'What's the matter?'
- 'I dreamt-' he began, and stopped short. It was too
complex to be put into words. There was the dream itself,
and there was a memory connected with it that had swum
into his mind in the few seconds after waking.
- He lay back with his eyes shut, still sodden in the
atmosphere of the dream. It was a vast, luminous dream in
which his whole life seemed to stretch out before him
like a landscape on a summer evening after rain. It had
all occurred inside the glass paperweight, but the
surface of the glass was the dome of the sky, and inside
the dome everything was flooded with clear soft light in
which one could see into interminable distances. The
dream had also been comprehended by -- indeed, in some
sense it had consisted in -- a gesture of the arm made by
his mother, and made again thirty years later by the
Jewish woman he had seen on the news film, trying to
shelter the small boy from the bullets, before the
helicopter blew them both to pieces.
- 'Do you know,' he said, 'that until this moment I
believed I had murdered my mother?'
- 'Why did you murder her?' said Julia, almost asleep.
- 'I didn't murder her. Not physically.'
- In the dream he had remembered his last glimpse of his
mother, and within a few moments of waking the cluster of
small events surrounding it had all come back. It was a
memory that he must have deliberately pushed out of his
consciousness over many years. He was not certain of the
date, but he could not have been less than ten years old,
possibly twelve, when it had happened.
- His father had disappeared some time earlier, how much
earlier he could not remember. He remembered better the
rackety, uneasy circumstances of the time: the periodical
panics about air-raids and the sheltering in Tube
stations, the piles of rubble everywhere, the
unintelligible proclamations posted at street corners,
the gangs of youths in shirts all the same colour, the
enormous queues outside the bakeries, the intermittent
machine-gun fire in the distance -- above all, the fact
that there was never enough to eat. He remembered long
afternoons spent with other boys in scrounging round
dustbins and rubbish heaps, picking out the ribs of
cabbage leaves, potato peelings, sometimes even scraps of
stale breadcrust from which they carefully scraped away
the cinders; and also in waiting for the passing of
trucks which travelled over a certain route and were
known to carry cattle feed, and which, when they jolted
over the bad patches in the road, sometimes spilt a few
fragments of oil-cake.
- When his father disappeared, his mother did not show any
surprise or any violent grief, but a sudden change came
over her. She seemed to have become completely
spiritless. It was evident even to Winston that she was
waiting for something that she knew must happen. She did
everything that was needed -- cooked, washed, mended,
made the bed, swept the floor, dusted the mantelpiece --
always very slowly and with a curious lack of superfluous
motion, like an artist's lay- figure moving of its own
accord. Her large shapely body seemed to relapse
naturally into stillness. For hours at a time she would
sit almost immobile on the bed, nursing his young sister,
a tiny, ailing, very silent child of two or three, with a
face made simian by thinness. Very occasionally she would
take Winston in her arms and press him against her for a
long time without saying anything. He was aware, in spite
of his youthfulness and selfishness, that this was
somehow connected with the never-mentioned thing that was
about to happen.
- He remembered the room where they lived, a dark,
closesmelling room that seemed half filled by a bed with
a white counterpane. There was a gas ring in the fender,
and a shelf where food was kept, and on the landing
outside there was a brown earthenware sink, common to
several rooms. He remembered his mother's statuesque body
bending over the gas ring to stir at something in a
saucepan. Above all he remembered his continuous hunger,
and the fierce sordid battles at mealtimes. He would ask
his mother naggingly, over and over again, why there was
not more food, he would shout and storm at her (he even
remembered the tones of his voice, which was beginning to
break prematurely and sometimes boomed in a peculiar
way), or he would attempt a snivelling note of pathos in
his efforts to get more than his share. His mother was
quite ready to give him more than his share. She took it
for granted that he, 'the boy', should have the biggest
portion; but however much she gave him he invariably
demanded more. At every meal she would beseech him not to
be selfish and to remember that his little sister was
sick and also needed food, but it was no use. He would
cry out with rage when she stopped ladling, he would try
to wrench the saucepan and spoon out of her hands, he
would grab bits from his sister's plate. He knew that he
was starving the other two, but he could not help it; he
even felt that he had a right to do it. The clamorous
hunger in his belly seemed to justify him. Between meals,
if his mother did not stand guard, he was constantly
pilfering at the wretched store of food on the shelf.
- One day a chocolate-ration was issued. There had been no
such issue for weeks or months past. He remembered quite
clearly that precious little morsel of chocolate. It was
a two-ounce slab (they still talked about ounces in those
days) between the three of them. It was obvious that it
ought to be divided into three equal parts. Suddenly, as
though he were listening to somebody else, Winston heard
himself demanding in a loud booming voice that he should
be given the whole piece. His mother told him not to be
greedy. There was a long, nagging argument that went
round and round, with shouts, whines, tears,
remonstrances, bargainings. His tiny sister, clinging to
her mother with both hands, exactly like a baby monkey,
sat looking over her shoulder at him with large, mournful
eyes. In the end his mother broke off three-quarters of
the chocolate and gave it to Winston, giving the other
quarter to his sister. The little girl took hold of it
and looked at it dully, perhaps not knowing what it was.
Winston stood watching her for a moment. Then with a
sudden swift spring he had snatched the piece of
chocolate out of his sister's hand and was fleeing for
the door.
- 'Winston, Winston!' his mother called after him. 'Come
back! Give your sister back her chocolate!'
- He stopped, but did not come back. His mother's anxious
eyes were fixed on his face. Even now he was thinking
about the thing, he did not know what it was that was on
the point of happening. His sister, conscious of having
been robbed of something, had set up a feeble wail. His
mother drew her arm round the child and pressed its face
against her breast. Something in the gesture told him
that his sister was dying. He turned and fled down the
stairs. with the chocolate growing sticky in his hand.
- He never saw his mother again. After he had devoured the
chocolate he felt somewhat ashamed of himself and hung
about in the streets for several hours, until hunger
drove him home. When he came back his mother had
disappeared. This was already becoming normal at that
time. Nothing was gone from the room except his mother
and his sister. They had not taken any clothes, not even
his mother's overcoat. To this day he did not know with
any certainty that his mother was dead. It was perfectly
possible that she had merely been sent to a forced-labour
camp. As for his sister, she might have been removed,
like Winston himself, to one of the colonies for homeless
children (Reclamation Centres, they were called) which
had grown up as a result of the civil war, or she might
have been sent to the labour camp along with his mother,
or simply left somewhere or other to die.
- The dream was still vivid in his mind, especially the
enveloping protecting gesture of the arm in which its
whole meaning seemed to be contained. His mind went back
to another dream of two months ago. Exactly as his mother
had sat on the dingy whitequilted bed, with the child
clinging to her, so she had sat in the sunken ship, far
underneath him, and drowning deeper every minute, but
still looking up at him through the darkening water.
- He told Julia the story of his mother's disappearance.
Without opening her eyes she rolled over and settled
herself into a more comfortable position.
- 'I expect you were a beastly little swine in those days,'
she said indistinctly. 'All children are swine.'
- 'Yes. But the real point of the story-'
- From her breathing it was evident that she was going off
to sleep again. He would have liked to continue talking
about his mother. He did not suppose, from what he could
remember of her, that she had been an unusual woman,
still less an intelligent one; and yet she had possessed
a kind of nobility, a kind of purity, simply because the
standards that she obeyed were private ones. Her feelings
were her own, and could not be altered from outside. It
would not have occurred to her that an action which is
ineffectual thereby becomes meaningless. If you loved
someone, you loved him, and when you had nothing else to
give, you still gave him love. When the last of the
chocolate was gone, his mother had clasped the child in
her arms. It was no use, it changed nothing, it did not
produce more chocolate, it did not avert the child's
death or her own; but it seemed natural to her to do it.
The refugee woman in the boat had also covered the little
boy with her arm, which was no more use against the
bullets than a sheet of paper. The terrible thing that
the Party had done was to persuade you that mere
impulses, mere feelings, were of no account, while at the
same time robbing you of all power over the material
world. When once you were in the grip of the Party, what
you felt or did not feel, what you did or refrained from
doing, made literally no difference. Whatever happened
you vanished, and neither you nor your actions were ever
heard of again. You were lifted clean out of the stream
of history. And yet to the people of only two generations
ago this would not have seemed all-important, because
they were not attempting to alter history. They were
governed by private loyalties which they did not
question. What mattered were individual relationships,
and a completely helpless gesture, an embrace, a tear, a
word spoken to a dying man, could have value in itself.
The proles, it suddenly occurred to him, had remained in
this condition. They were not loyal to a party or a
country or an idea, they were loyal to one another. For
the first time in his life he did not despise the proles
or think of them merely as an inert force which would one
day spring to life and regenerate the world. The proles
had stayed human. They had not become hardened inside.
They had held on to the primitive emotions which he
himself had to re-learn by conscious effort. And in
thinking this he remembered, without apparent relevance,
how a few weeks ago he had seen a severed hand lying on
the pavement and had kicked it into the gutter as though
it had been a cabbage-stalk.
- 'The proles are human beings,' he said aloud. 'We are not
human.'
- 'Why not?' said Julia, who had woken up again.
- He thought for a little while. 'Has it ever occurred to
you. he said, 'that the best thing for us to do would be
simply to walk out of here before it's too late, and
never see each other again?'
- 'Yes, dear, it has occurred to me, several times. But I'm
not going to do it, all the same.'
- 'We've been lucky,' he said 'but it can't last much
longer. You're young. You look normal and innocent. If
you keep clear of people like me, you might stay alive
for another fifty years.'
- 'No. I've thought it all out. What you do, I 'm going to
do. And don't be too downhearted. I'm rather good at
staying alive.'
- 'We may be together for another six months -- a year --
there's no knowing. At the end we're certain to be apart.
Do you realize how utterly alone we shall be? When once
they get hold of us there will be nothing, literally
nothing, that either of us can do for the other. If I
confess, they'll shoot you, and if I refuse to confess,
they'll shoot you just the same. Nothing that I can do or
say, or stop myself from saying, will put off your death
for as much as five minutes. Neither of us will even know
whether the other is alive or dead. We shall be utterly
without power of any kind. The one thing that matters is
that we shouldn't betray one another, although even that
can't make the slightest difference.'
- 'If you mean confessing,' she said, 'we shall do that,
right enough. Everybody always confesses. You can't help
it. They torture you.'
- 'I don't mean confessing. Confession is not betrayal.
What you say or do doesn't matter: only feelings matter.
If they could make me stop loving you -- that would be
the real betrayal.'
- She thought it over. 'They can't do that,' she said
finally. 'It's the one thing they can't do. They can make
you say anything -- any- thing -- but they
can't make you believe it. They can't get inside you.'
- 'No,' he said a little more hopefully, 'no; that's quite
true. They can't get inside you. If you can feel
that staying human is worth while, even when it can't
have any result whatever, you've beaten them.'
- He thought of the telescreen with its never-sleeping ear.
They could spy upon you night and day, but if you kept
your head you could still outwit them. With all their
cleverness they had never mastered the secret of finding
out what another human being was thinking. Perhaps that
was less true when you were actually in their hands. One
did not know what happened inside the Ministry of Love,
but it was possible to guess: tortures, drugs, delicate
instruments that registered your nervous reactions,
gradual wearing-down by sleeplessness and solitude and
persistent questioning. Facts, at any rate, could not be
kept hidden. They could be tracked down by enquiry, they
could be squeezed out of you by torture. But if the
object was not to stay alive but to stay human, what
difference did it ultimately make? They could not alter
your feelings: for that matter you could not alter them
yourself, even if you wanted to. They could lay bare in
the utmost detail everything that you had done or said or
thought; but the inner heart, whose workings were
mysterious even to yourself, remained impregnable.